Sure, Halloween (1978) was
the best. Sure, Freddy Krueger had the jokes. But Friday the 13th
is the most recognizable brand name in the slasher genre. These were the movies
we all snuck downstairs as kids to watch on old VHS tapes in the middle of the
night. They were certainly many of ours’ first R-rated movies. And no doubt they
were the first time we saw naked boobies. Ah, memories…
Anywho… With the release of Scream
Factory’s new box set of the entire Friday the 13th
franchise, now seems a good time to do an old-fashioned internet ranking list
of every film in the series! Naturally – spoiler alert – the original film is
at the top. But still, don’t let that deter you from seeing where the rest of
the… er… bodies of work stack up!
Each
installment will feature a rundown of the best kills, and a short overview of
the weird parts that each movie had for some reason… Here we have it, ranked
worst to best, the entire canon of a slasher giant!
12)
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1988) dir.
Rob Hedden
Okay… when we said “worst to best”…
we really weren’t kidding. Jason Takes Manhattan is by far the most
head-scratching, eye-rolling, snoozefest of the whole franchise. Ignoring any
sort of continuity with previous installments and offering mostly nothing in
terms of gore or suspense, this film makes clunkers such as Doom Asylum
(1987) look like inspired feats of genius. Here, Jason decides to hitch a
ride on a cruise ship to Manhattan, completely ignoring the fact that the ship
in question is leaving from Crystal Lake, but somehow makes it to the New York
coast. And, along the way, he slices and dices some passengers. By the end, we
get maybe ten minutes of the Big Apple – which apparently features underground
sewers filled with toxic waste. Cut to shreds by the MPAA, this entry is mostly
toothless in the kills department. Some moments are cartoonish. Others are
barely even on screen. There are one or two good ones, but they can’t make up
for the rest. Kane Hodder turns in a good performance as Jason though, so at
least there’s that.
Prime Cuts: Not many good
kills to speak of, but there is a moment where Jason stuffs a guy with
hot rocks in a sauna! Oh, and he also punches a dude’s head off, which then
lands in a garbage can.
Dishonorable Mentions: By far the worst
thing about this movie is the part where the whole thing happened. But, if
pressed for specifics, I suppose Jason turning into a little boy after being
drenched in New York toxic sludge kinda takes the cake…
11)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) dir. Adam Marcus
After Jason Takes Manhattan
featured no blood and almost killed the franchise, New Line Cinema bought the
rights from Paramount and gave us this weirdness. There’s a lot of blood this
time, just… very little actual Jason. You see, Jason Voorhees is actually a
demon that can hop from person to person, possessing them to kill. And he does
this by orally invading these unfortunate victims by way of rubber worm things.
Following so far? The film at least comes through on the gore quotient, which
automatically puts it ahead of the New York debacle… but not by much. It’s
worth watching if only to marvel at how absolutely loony it is.
Prime Cuts: One thing Jason
Goes to Hell does have is plenty of red stuff. Highlights include a third
act massacre in a diner, and a naked girl being bisected in a tent during the
act of sweet, sweet fornication.
Dishonorable Mentions: As previously
mentioned, Jason Voorhees is barely present in this flick. The problem is, when
he is there, he looks like a bloated pork rind. Also, there’s a random
scene of homoerotic shaving? Representation is awesome, and I would certainly
welcome some good ol’ gayness, but… did it have to be shaving?
10)
Jason X (2001) dir. Jim Isaac
Things start getting a bit better
with the tenth movie in the franchise. Jason Goes to Hell was so poorly received
that it took eight years to get another sequel. And of course, since it’s now
the new millennium, this time we get Jason in space. Because… just go with it.
It’s space! A bit light on gore again, but at least the production values are
decent. I won’t even bother discussing the setup because it makes absolutely no
sense, but all you need to know is Space Jason! Anyway, we get some really
annoying characters and Jason gets assimilated by Borg nanoprobes or something,
so now he’s even deadlier I guess? And there’s an android who wants to be more
human and has nipples that keep falling off. They should have called this Friday
the 13th: The Next Generation. Plus we get a healthy dose of Alien
parody, so if that’s your thing, have at it.
Prime Cuts: Jason freezes a
girl’s face in nitroglycerin, then smashes it on the counter. Good times.
Dishonorable Mentions: A middle-aged
teacher dresses up in lingerie and gets his hot student to twist his nipples
with pliers for a passing grade. Fifty Shades of Friday anyone?
9)
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1987) dir.
John Carl Buechler
Here we have a movie that really could
have been good. It is so, so close to being a great installment that it
actually makes me mad. Gore effects guru John Carl Buechler directs this kooky
mashup between Friday the 13th and Carrie (1979). A
traumatized teen girl (because of course) just so happens to have telekinetic
powers. She accidentally raises Jason from the murky depths of Crystal Lake,
and now they have to battle it out. This essentially means Jason kills a bunch
of random partiers and our plucky blonde protagonist gets to slap him around
with her mind at the end. The problem here is that Buechler and Co. created
some truly gnarly kills, only to have the MPAA take to the film like a
kindergartner with scissors. Virtually all the blood is edited out. Thankfully,
we at least can view the uncut footage as a special feature on most releases,
even if it is sourced from a VHS workprint.
Prime Cuts: Kane Hodder’s
first foray as Jason is pretty good, because he brings a rage to the role that
wasn’t there before. The uncut scenes feature some impressive effects, chiefly a
great bare hands head-smashing!
Dishonorable Mentions: The adults in this
franchise have never been great, but they’re especially awful here. Also, the
costuming brings out the worst the 80s had to offer…
8)
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) dir.
Danny Steinmann
Things start to get better from here
on out. A New Beginning is sort of the like The Season of the Witch
for the Friday films. The famous Jason impersonator! You can tell
because his hockey mask has blue markings instead of red ones! Tommy Jarvis
(hero from Part IV) is an outpatient at a half-way house for messed up
teens and one disturbingly stereotypical 80s black kid named Reggie the
Reckless; who is all of 12 years old and hits on women twice his age while constantly
mocking the mentally ill. One of the residents snaps and chops up a fat kid
over a chocolate bar, and suddenly someone starts picking off the rest of the
teens one by one! Could it be Tommy? Nope, not at all, and it comes as no
surprise. But there are some good kills and the series moves on from weed to
cocaine for the first time. Hooray for the 1980s! Add in plenty of T & A,
and this is about as close to a grindhouse flick the series has.
Prime Cuts: Lots of neat ones
here! The best is probably a naked girl getting garden sheers to the eyeballs.
But in a pinch, a screaming man-child getting his head chopped off while riding
his dirt bike in circles could suffice.
Dishonorable Mentions: Speaking of that
man-child… he is thoroughly annoying. Just as annoying is his mother Ethel, whom
I assume exists because the producers thought middle-aged women constantly
screaming profanities counts as humor.
7)
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) dir.
Tom McLoughlin
Paramount
listened to their audience – well, they listened to their bottom line anyway –
and decided to bring Jason back after A New Beginning essentially tanked
at the box office. Jason Lives has a lot going for it. It has a decent
amount of gore, some really inventive kills, a… killer… sense of humor, and
best of all it has the first appearance of zombie Jason! Oh, and Alice Cooper
is on the soundtrack, so that’s a win for sure. Remember Tommy? Yeah, he
accidentally brings Jason back to life, so everything that happens after is definitely
his fault. There is a notable drop in the amount of sexiness, which is
disappointing, but overall this installment hasn’t much to complain about. It’s
quite possibly the most 80s of the bunch and Jason’s most iconic appearance. More
than most films in the series, this one has party-viewing potential. Crank up
the soundtrack, open a few beers, and get ready to cheer at the screen with
your buddies!
Prime
Cuts: Jason does a triple decapitation of three business yuppies on a
paintball outing. Oh, and he folds the town sheriff in half.
Dishonorable
Mentions: Said
sheriff is a real asshole. He seems like a joke character until you realize most
cops seem to be just like him in real life.
6)
Freddy VS Jason (2003) dir. Ronny Yu
The long-awaited clash of the
titans! This movie could have completely sucked and every fan would still love
it. After Jason got pulled to hell, he gets resurrected by Freddy himself to
strike fear in the hearts of every teen on Elm Street! Now, don’t ask me how he
does it, or why Crystal Lake is apparently a short, late-night drive away from
Springwood. Those plot holes may be big enough to drive a truck through, but I
don’t care. The point is that Jason does his job too well and now Freddy wants
to fight him for the right to be the sole teen murder machine on the block.
Winner kills all! Robert Englund does a fantastic job in his last outing as
Freddy Krueger; plus the rest of the cast, including Monica Keena, Kelly
Rowland (of Destiny’s Child – bite me Beyonce!), and millennial horror queen
Katherine Isabelle all turn in great performances. Well, for the most part, anyway.
Additionally, the blood flows freely in a way unseen since the early years of
the franchise! It quite literally spurts everywhere.
Prime Cuts: So many greats… Douchebag
folded in half in bed? Jason also hits Kelly Rowland so hard with his machete
that she flies fifty feet into a tree. And impaling Freddy with his own arm was
a nice touch.
Dishonorable Mentions: There are a lot of
really weird incest-y vibes we could do without. And does anyone really believe
Kelly Rowland needs a nose-job? Plus, giving zombie Jason CPR is just… ew.
5)
Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D (1982) dir. Steve
Miner
3D popcorn! 3D joint! 3D yoyo! 3D
spear gun! Multiple 3D eyeballs! Cracking the first spot in the top 5 is the
first installment to go full gimmick! Steve Miner returns from directing Part
II to helm this cheesy slice of greatness. Happening immediately after the
events of the second film, Part 3 in 3D features some of the funniest
characters in the series, some of the worst acting, and, of course, the first
appearance of the iconic hockey mask! The gore is generally a step up from the second
installment, and the humor actually kinda lands for the most part. Unfortunately,
the final girl here (played by Dana Kimmell) just doesn’t have much to do, and
the dialogue is pretty cringy. Overall, it earns the #5 spot mostly on sheer
panache over actual goodness.
Prime Cuts: Jason cuts a dude
in half while he’s doing a handstand! We also get the first (and best) instance
of the good ol’ eye-popping Jason head-squeeze.
Dishonorable Mentions: Shelly. Dear God,
why Shelly? Would you be yourself if you looked like this?
4)
Friday the 13th (2009) dir. Marcus Nispel
This 2009 reboot is pretty divisive
among audiences, but yours truly admits to being a fan. It’s essentially a mash-up
remake of the first four movies in the series, and it really does work! The old
summer camp, kids partying at a lake house, brother out searching for his
sister, and of course… Jason Voorhees living in the woods! There is plenty of
blood, plenty of nudity, and some surprisingly good acting. More than that, this
installment absolutely nails the tone of the original films before things went
awry with A New Beginning. It may not be a masterpiece, but it is a hell
of a good time! Oh, and after decades with a hockey mask, Jason finally
completes his outfit with a hockey stick, so…
Prime Cuts: Jason does
everything in the book here! Standouts include cooking a girl in a sleeping bag
over a fire, practicing a little summer camp archery, and an antler-trophy
impalement!
Dishonorable Mentions: Almost everything
here works except… I’m sorry but Jared Padalecki is just annoying. I want Friday
the 13th, not Supernatural! Also, let’s be honest, these
mid-2000’s remakes were a little too self-aware for their own good. And it
could be argued that this film paved the way for that godawful A Nightmare
on Elm Street (2010) reboot…
3)
Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984) dir.
Joseph Zito
Here we have the first undeniably
great entry on this list. Joseph Zito proved himself a talented slasher director
with The Prowler (1981), and he brings Tom Savini back to the franchise
here with some of the best gore effects in any Friday film! Needless to
say, this was the first of a few entries to claim to be the ‘last’ one and was
not… Picking up where Part 3 left off, Jason survives his trip to the
Crystal Lake hospital morgue to return to the woods, where he hacks up some vacationing
teens and meets his match in the form of young Tommy Jarvis (played by 80s
child star Corey Feldman)! This movie has everything we want from a Friday
the 13th picture: great gore, tons of Jason, and a surprising
amount of skin! The previous film may have introduced the hockey mask, but The
Final Chapter made it famous.
Prime Cuts: Crispin Glover
gets a satisfying corkscrew to the hand and cleaver to the face. Then he gets crucified
in a doorway! Also, Jason’s final demise involving a machete to the brain is
the best gore effect in the entire franchise – save perhaps Betsy Palmer’s coup
de grace in the original!
Dishonorable Mentions: God, I hate
Crispin Glover. His dance moves. His quirkiness that he thinks is acting. His
mere presence makes me cringe. Also, Corey Feldman kind of epitomizes the odd
habit of strangely intelligent preteens that was everywhere in the 1980’s for
God knows what reason.
2)
Friday the 13th Part II (1981) dir. Steve Miner
The first sequel. The best sequel. And
the original Jason spree! Part II is perhaps more responsible for the
endless lifespan of the series that the original film. Five years after Mrs.
Voorhees went on her rampage, a new camp is opening on Crystal Lake! Jason puts
on a burlap sack for a mask and goes about offing some counselors in training,
and that’s pretty much it! This movie is simple and effective. No gimmicks, no
stupid kid characters, no fluff. And that’s how we like it! Plus, it still has
some good bloodshed (even if most of it is cut away from after just a moment)
and some wicked humor. Finally, Amy Steel is utterly fantastic as the final
girl, Ginny. This film may be the best slasher sequel ever made. Oh, and one
last thing. Terry’s skinny-dipping scene is great. That is all.
Prime Cuts: They may have
stolen it from Mario Bava’s Bay of Blood (1971), but it doesn’t get much
better than two horny counselors getting shish-kabobbed together in the sack! And
I have to admit, I laugh every time Scott the pervert gets his throat slashed
with the wrong side of the machete.
Dishonorable Mentions: What the hell is
that ending all about? Also, it is pretty fair when Tom Savini says bringing
Jason back as the villain makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
1)
Friday the 13th (1980) dir. Sean S. Cunningham
Here we are folks! Of course, the
first film is number one! Did you think I was kidding? Not much to say here
except that Friday the 13th is the best slasher film ever
made next to Halloween (1978). Tom Savini’s gore is top notch. Adrienne
King is the first and finest final girl in the series. Harry Manfredini’s score
is instantly timeless. Crazy Ralph is Crazy Ralph. And Betsy Palmer as Pamela
Voorhees is a deranged treat no matter how many times you watch it. This is
gonna be kept short and sweet: It’s an almost perfect movie. So there.
Prime Cuts: Kevin Bacon gets
his famous arrow through the throat. And Alice decapitates Mrs. Voorhees in
perhaps the most famous death in slasher history!
Dishonorable Mentions: We probably could
have done without that Dolly Parton knock-off song. Instead, we get it at least
three times.
Well, there you have it! All twelve long nights at Camp Blood! Now if you excuse me, my marathon awaits…
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