10 Underrated 80's Slashers

Man, I love a good slasher movie. Halloween (1978) is my favorite movie of all time, and it was the original Friday the 13th (1980) that really introduced me to horror films. The practical gore effects, the inspired simplicity, the no-budget can-do aesthetic... Since then, entire stab-a-thon subgenre has held a special place in my heart.

The setup is the most basic blueprint of nearly any genre of cinema. Take a bunch of teens based on high school stereotypes - the jock, the clown, the slut, the virgin - and dump them into a situation with a killer and no way out. The killer, who has some sort of basically passable motivation, picks them off one by one until the aforementioned virgin - aka the final girl - gets the better of them. Cut, print, and make a sequel!

Of course, slashers are a uniquely 80’s phenomenon. Sure, Scream (1996) ignited a millennial wave of proto-satirical wink-wink knock-offs, remakes are a dime-a-dozen, and some of these lumbering killers (such as Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers) have hacked their way through some 21st Century sequels... But they heyday of the mutilating masked mass murderers was most certainly between about 1978 - with the premiere of Halloween - until about 1985, when flustered audiences kind of threw up their hands at Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985), which might be the literal source of the cliche that says these franchises never truly die.

Nowadays, the nostalgia for these frights from the time of “Morning in America” has reached a bit of a renaissance. Even television seems to revel in the past, with the most recent (and arguable one of the best) seasons of FX’s American Horror Story taking on the slasher canon - complete with a summer camp, mythic killer, synth-y soundtrack, and the subtitle 1984. It’s high time we revisited a few of the unsung heroes of the forgotten age of slasher cinema.

Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) are well-worn stalwart franchises. Even if you don’t necessarily like horror films, you’ve probably seen a few of those. Today, we’re shining a creepy spotlight on ten lesser-known selections. No Jason’s, Michael Myers’, or Freddy Kreuger’s here. Without further ado...

 

10 Underrated 80’s Slashers!

 

10) The House on Sorority Row (1983) dir. Mark Rosman

 

We start things off with an entry more recognizable for it’s name than anything else. But a great title was often key in bringing audiences into the theater to see the latest hack-em-up. Here, a horrible, deformed secret that lives in the attic is slowly stabbing it’s way through the members of a local sorority chapter! This film is perhaps the most representative installment in the particular subset of slasher movies that take place on a college campus - such as The Dorm that Dripped Blood (1982), Final Exam (1981), and Pieces (1982). It gives a whole meaning to the concept of student bodies...

 

 

 

9) Slumber Party Massacre (1982) dir. Amy Holden Jones

 

This particular film is often considered the first slasher to be directed by a woman! It’s also, incidentally, also considered the first to send up the genre for satire and parody. More than fifteen years before Scream, director Amy Holden Jones creates a simple tale of a slumber party targeted by a drill-wielding killer that manages to be both scary AND funny. And, of course, there’s a fair amount of requisite gore to boot!

 

 

8) Hell Night (1981) dir. Tom DeSimone

 

Another take on the college campus setting, Hell Night stars the iconic Linda Blair in a grisly tale of fraternity hazing gone awry. Four pledges during rush week are forced to stay over Halloween night in the local ‘haunted’ mansion, unaware of the deadly resident within! Shorter on blood and gore than some of it’s contemporaries, the film opts instead to fuse the stalk-n-slash method with traditional gothic creepiness, resulting a more atmospheric outing. Fans of Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984) will recognize Peter Barton in one of the leading roles as a potential love interest for Blair’s final girl!

 

 

7) Prom Night (1980) dir. Paul Lynch

 

Probably one of the more well-known titles on this list, Prom Night is best remembered for being the other horror film that Jamie Lee Curtis starred in after catapulting to success as Laurie Strode in Halloween. It also features Leslie “Don’t Call Me Shirley” Nielsen, and it’s motivation featuring an old sin is likely the most direct inspiration for later 90’s teen horror shows like I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). Also, it’s soundtrack is almost unbearably retro.

 

 

6) Terror Train (1980) dir. Roger Spottiswoode

 

Okay, okay, so this is the other other slasher starring Jamie Lee Curtis. It also ranks higher than Prom Night (an arguably superior film) simply because the setting is so damned cool. A killer who likes to switch up his masks hacks his way through a college class on New Year’s Eve... on a party train! The locomotive locale ensures that the victims are trapped, but also adds an effective air of claustrophobia to the proceedings. Side note - yet another example of college campus slasher horror.

 

 

5) My Bloody Valentine (1981) dir. George Mihalka

 

One of the signature trends of the slasher movie is an installment for every conceivable holiday (thanks, Halloween). Here, Canada gets in on the action with a romantic comedy... just kidding, there’s blood everywhere. One Valentine’s Day, several miners in a small town are trapped in a mine collapse. One of them, Harry Warden, kills the other survivors to conserve the air. Oh, and he eats a few of them, for good measure. Years later, once again on Valentine’s, townsfolk are getting murdered in grisly fashion. Could it be Harry Warden once more? All sarcasm aside, My Bloody Valentine is one of the better holiday slashers out there, by far outpacing the ham-handed yuletide goofiness of Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), or the over-stuffed Thanksgiving offering Blood Rage (1983).

 

 

4) Sleepaway Camp (1983) dir. Robert Hiltzik

 

That ending. Oh Lord, that ending. Summer camps have been the perfect setting for slasher films ever since Friday the 13th started slaughtering nubile young counselors. Sleepaway Camp takes it much farther than the more mainstream-friendly Jason Voorhees ever did. The victims aren’t counselors, they’re campers! And not only that, the campers are played by age-appropriate actors, so each murder just feels that much more icky. And then, of course, there’s that end reveal. No spoilers here if you haven’t seen it, but nothing in slasher flicks has outdone it since.

 

 

3) The Burning (1981) dir. Tony Maylam

 

The first rung of our Top Three is the movie special effects maverick Tom Savini (famous for the first Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead [1978], and all three top spots on this list!) turned down Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) to work on! Another summer camp setting, The Burning is a hack-n-slash take on the spooky campfire stories we grew up loving. It’s also one of the bloodier affairs in a genre known for, well... blood. Savini’s gore effects ooze (read: sprays) the red stuff in a way that reminds us of Japanese samurai films. The movie begins with a group of campers pranking the camp’s caretaker, Cropsey. The joke goes horribly wrong, and leaves the man burned beyond recognition. Years later (as always?) a new group of campers bears the brunt of Cropsey’s revenge! Also of note: the film features the debuts of both Jason Alexander (of Seinfeld) and Holly Hunter. That, and it was the inaugural release for Miramax Pictures!

 

 

2) The Prowler (1981) dir. Joseph Zito

 

Also known as Rosemary’s Killer, this film is one of the best one-off slashers out there. Tom Savini considers his practical gore effects here to be some of his best work, and it’s easy to see why! Pitchforks, bayonets, and even a head-exploding shotgun all take center stage. A local high school is prepping for it’s senior homecoming dance - the first in twenty years since a post-WWII tragedy - but someone with a homicidal streak doesn’t want it to happen! Director Joseph Zito puts 110% into the effort, and it shows. The success of The Prowler resulted in Zito being hired to do another classic slasher: Friday the 13 Part IV: The Final Chapter!

 

 

1) Maniac (1980) dir. William Lustig

 

Finally, we come to the top slot. Maniac can be argued for not being a slasher film, but with Savini’s talents once again on full display - including one of the most realistic and wince-inducing exploding heads ever - I feel confident including it here. Joe Spinell plays Frank Zito, a serial killer with severe mommy issues and a penchant for scalping his victims. More of a character study than an exercise in indestructible killer rampages, Maniac takes the unique approach of placing the audience with the killer instead of the horny teenagers. It’s a gritty, icky piece of film-making that leaves you wanting a shower; but it’s also a masterpiece that demands to be seen at least once by fans of horror cinema.

 

 

Friday the 13th - Entire Series Ranked

            

Everybody knows the hockey mask. Everybody knows the machete. Everybody knows his name was Jason.

 

            Sure, Halloween (1978) was the best. Sure, Freddy Krueger had the jokes. But Friday the 13^th is the most recognizable brand name in the slasher genre. These were the movies we all snuck downstairs as kids to watch on old VHS tapes in the middle of the night. They were certainly many of ours’ first R-rated movies. And no doubt they were the first time we saw naked boobies. Ah, memories…

 

            Anywho… With the release of Scream Factory’s new box set of the entire Friday the 13^th franchise, now seems a good time to do an old-fashioned internet ranking list of every film in the series! Naturally – spoiler alert – the original film is at the top. But still, don’t let that deter you from seeing where the rest of the… er… bodies of work stack up!

 

Each installment will feature a rundown of the best kills, and a short overview of the weird parts that each movie had for some reason… Here we have it, ranked worst to best, the entire canon of a slasher giant!

 

12) Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1988) dir. Rob Hedden

 

            Okay… when we said “worst to best”… we really weren’t kidding. Jason Takes Manhattan is by far the most head-scratching, eye-rolling, snoozefest of the whole franchise. Ignoring any sort of continuity with previous installments and offering mostly nothing in terms of gore or suspense, this film makes clunkers such as Doom Asylum (1987) look like inspired feats of genius. Here, Jason decides to hitch a ride on a cruise ship to Manhattan, completely ignoring the fact that the ship in question is leaving from Crystal Lake, but somehow makes it to the New York coast. And, along the way, he slices and dices some passengers. By the end, we get maybe ten minutes of the Big Apple – which apparently features underground sewers filled with toxic waste. Cut to shreds by the MPAA, this entry is mostly toothless in the kills department. Some moments are cartoonish. Others are barely even on screen. There are one or two good ones, but they can’t make up for the rest. Kane Hodder turns in a good performance as Jason though, so at least there’s that.

 

            Prime Cuts: Not many good kills to speak of, but there is a moment where Jason stuffs a guy with hot rocks in a sauna! Oh, and he also punches a dude’s head off, which then lands in a garbage can.

           

            Dishonorable Mentions: By far the worst thing about this movie is the part where the whole thing happened. But, if pressed for specifics, I suppose Jason turning into a little boy after being drenched in New York toxic sludge kinda takes the cake…

 

11) Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) dir. Adam Marcus

 

            After Jason Takes Manhattan featured no blood and almost killed the franchise, New Line Cinema bought the rights from Paramount and gave us this weirdness. There’s a lot of blood this time, just… very little actual Jason. You see, Jason Voorhees is actually a demon that can hop from person to person, possessing them to kill. And he does this by orally invading these unfortunate victims by way of rubber worm things. Following so far? The film at least comes through on the gore quotient, which automatically puts it ahead of the New York debacle… but not by much. It’s worth watching if only to marvel at how absolutely loony it is.

 

            Prime Cuts: One thing Jason Goes to Hell does have is plenty of red stuff. Highlights include a third act massacre in a diner, and a naked girl being bisected in a tent during the act of sweet, sweet fornication.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: As previously mentioned, Jason Voorhees is barely present in this flick. The problem is, when he is there, he looks like a bloated pork rind. Also, there’s a random scene of homoerotic shaving? Representation is awesome, and I would certainly welcome some good ol’ gayness, but… did it have to be shaving?

 

10) Jason X (2001) dir. Jim Isaac

 

            Things start getting a bit better with the tenth movie in the franchise. Jason Goes to Hell was so poorly received that it took eight years to get another sequel. And of course, since it’s now the new millennium, this time we get Jason in space. Because… just go with it. It’s space! A bit light on gore again, but at least the production values are decent. I won’t even bother discussing the setup because it makes absolutely no sense, but all you need to know is Space Jason! Anyway, we get some really annoying characters and Jason gets assimilated by Borg nanoprobes or something, so now he’s even deadlier I guess? And there’s an android who wants to be more human and has nipples that keep falling off. They should have called this Friday the 13^th: The Next Generation. Plus we get a healthy dose of Alien parody, so if that’s your thing, have at it.

 

            Prime Cuts: Jason freezes a girl’s face in nitroglycerin, then smashes it on the counter. Good times.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: A middle-aged teacher dresses up in lingerie and gets his hot student to twist his nipples with pliers for a passing grade. Fifty Shades of Friday anyone?

 

9) Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood (1987) dir. John Carl Buechler

 

            Here we have a movie that really could have been good. It is so, so close to being a great installment that it actually makes me mad. Gore effects guru John Carl Buechler directs this kooky mashup between Friday the 13^th and Carrie (1979). A traumatized teen girl (because of course) just so happens to have telekinetic powers. She accidentally raises Jason from the murky depths of Crystal Lake, and now they have to battle it out. This essentially means Jason kills a bunch of random partiers and our plucky blonde protagonist gets to slap him around with her mind at the end. The problem here is that Buechler and Co. created some truly gnarly kills, only to have the MPAA take to the film like a kindergartner with scissors. Virtually all the blood is edited out. Thankfully, we at least can view the uncut footage as a special feature on most releases, even if it is sourced from a VHS workprint.

 

            Prime Cuts: Kane Hodder’s first foray as Jason is pretty good, because he brings a rage to the role that wasn’t there before. The uncut scenes feature some impressive effects, chiefly a great bare hands head-smashing!

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: The adults in this franchise have never been great, but they’re especially awful here. Also, the costuming brings out the worst the 80s had to offer…

 

8) Friday the 13^th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) dir. Danny Steinmann

 

            Things start to get better from here on out. A New Beginning is sort of the like The Season of the Witch for the Friday films. The famous Jason impersonator! You can tell because his hockey mask has blue markings instead of red ones! Tommy Jarvis (hero from Part IV) is an outpatient at a half-way house for messed up teens and one disturbingly stereotypical 80s black kid named Reggie the Reckless; who is all of 12 years old and hits on women twice his age while constantly mocking the mentally ill. One of the residents snaps and chops up a fat kid over a chocolate bar, and suddenly someone starts picking off the rest of the teens one by one! Could it be Tommy? Nope, not at all, and it comes as no surprise. But there are some good kills and the series moves on from weed to cocaine for the first time. Hooray for the 1980s! Add in plenty of T & A, and this is about as close to a grindhouse flick the series has.

 

            Prime Cuts: Lots of neat ones here! The best is probably a naked girl getting garden sheers to the eyeballs. But in a pinch, a screaming man-child getting his head chopped off while riding his dirt bike in circles could suffice.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: Speaking of that man-child… he is thoroughly annoying. Just as annoying is his mother Ethel, whom I assume exists because the producers thought middle-aged women constantly screaming profanities counts as humor.

 

7) Friday the 13^th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) dir. Tom McLoughlin

 

            Paramount listened to their audience – well, they listened to their bottom line anyway – and decided to bring Jason back after A New Beginning essentially tanked at the box office. Jason Lives has a lot going for it. It has a decent amount of gore, some really inventive kills, a… killer… sense of humor, and best of all it has the first appearance of zombie Jason! Oh, and Alice Cooper is on the soundtrack, so that’s a win for sure. Remember Tommy? Yeah, he accidentally brings Jason back to life, so everything that happens after is definitely his fault. There is a notable drop in the amount of sexiness, which is disappointing, but overall this installment hasn’t much to complain about. It’s quite possibly the most 80s of the bunch and Jason’s most iconic appearance. More than most films in the series, this one has party-viewing potential. Crank up the soundtrack, open a few beers, and get ready to cheer at the screen with your buddies!

 

            Prime Cuts: Jason does a triple decapitation of three business yuppies on a paintball outing. Oh, and he folds the town sheriff in half.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: Said sheriff is a real asshole. He seems like a joke character until you realize most cops seem to be just like him in real life.

 

6) Freddy VS Jason (2003) dir. Ronny Yu

 

            The long-awaited clash of the titans! This movie could have completely sucked and every fan would still love it. After Jason got pulled to hell, he gets resurrected by Freddy himself to strike fear in the hearts of every teen on Elm Street! Now, don’t ask me how he does it, or why Crystal Lake is apparently a short, late-night drive away from Springwood. Those plot holes may be big enough to drive a truck through, but I don’t care. The point is that Jason does his job too well and now Freddy wants to fight him for the right to be the sole teen murder machine on the block. Winner kills all! Robert Englund does a fantastic job in his last outing as Freddy Krueger; plus the rest of the cast, including Monica Keena, Kelly Rowland (of Destiny’s Child – bite me Beyonce!), and millennial horror queen Katherine Isabelle all turn in great performances. Well, for the most part, anyway. Additionally, the blood flows freely in a way unseen since the early years of the franchise! It quite literally spurts everywhere.

 

            Prime Cuts: So many greats… Douchebag folded in half in bed? Jason also hits Kelly Rowland so hard with his machete that she flies fifty feet into a tree. And impaling Freddy with his own arm was a nice touch.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: There are a lot of really weird incest-y vibes we could do without. And does anyone really believe Kelly Rowland needs a nose-job? Plus, giving zombie Jason CPR is just… ew.

 

5) Friday the 13^th Part 3 in 3D (1982) dir. Steve Miner

 

            3D popcorn! 3D joint! 3D yoyo! 3D spear gun! Multiple 3D eyeballs! Cracking the first spot in the top 5 is the first installment to go full gimmick! Steve Miner returns from directing Part II to helm this cheesy slice of greatness. Happening immediately after the events of the second film, Part 3 in 3D features some of the funniest characters in the series, some of the worst acting, and, of course, the first appearance of the iconic hockey mask! The gore is generally a step up from the second installment, and the humor actually kinda lands for the most part. Unfortunately, the final girl here (played by Dana Kimmell) just doesn’t have much to do, and the dialogue is pretty cringy. Overall, it earns the #5 spot mostly on sheer panache over actual goodness.

 

            Prime Cuts: Jason cuts a dude in half while he’s doing a handstand! We also get the first (and best) instance of the good ol’ eye-popping Jason head-squeeze.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: Shelly. Dear God, why Shelly? Would you be yourself if you looked like this?

 

4) Friday the 13^th (2009) dir. Marcus Nispel

 

            This 2009 reboot is pretty divisive among audiences, but yours truly admits to being a fan. It’s essentially a mash-up remake of the first four movies in the series, and it really does work! The old summer camp, kids partying at a lake house, brother out searching for his sister, and of course… Jason Voorhees living in the woods! There is plenty of blood, plenty of nudity, and some surprisingly good acting. More than that, this installment absolutely nails the tone of the original films before things went awry with A New Beginning. It may not be a masterpiece, but it is a hell of a good time! Oh, and after decades with a hockey mask, Jason finally completes his outfit with a hockey stick, so…

 

            Prime Cuts: Jason does everything in the book here! Standouts include cooking a girl in a sleeping bag over a fire, practicing a little summer camp archery, and an antler-trophy impalement!

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: Almost everything here works except… I’m sorry but Jared Padalecki is just annoying. I want Friday the 13^th, not Supernatural! Also, let’s be honest, these mid-2000’s remakes were a little too self-aware for their own good. And it could be argued that this film paved the way for that godawful A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) reboot…

 

3) Friday the 13^th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984) dir. Joseph Zito

 

            Here we have the first undeniably great entry on this list. Joseph Zito proved himself a talented slasher director with The Prowler (1981), and he brings Tom Savini back to the franchise here with some of the best gore effects in any Friday film! Needless to say, this was the first of a few entries to claim to be the ‘last’ one and was not… Picking up where Part 3 left off, Jason survives his trip to the Crystal Lake hospital morgue to return to the woods, where he hacks up some vacationing teens and meets his match in the form of young Tommy Jarvis (played by 80s child star Corey Feldman)! This movie has everything we want from a Friday the 13^th picture: great gore, tons of Jason, and a surprising amount of skin! The previous film may have introduced the hockey mask, but The Final Chapter made it famous.

 

            Prime Cuts: Crispin Glover gets a satisfying corkscrew to the hand and cleaver to the face. Then he gets crucified in a doorway! Also, Jason’s final demise involving a machete to the brain is the best gore effect in the entire franchise – save perhaps Betsy Palmer’s coup de grace in the original!

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: God, I hate Crispin Glover. His dance moves. His quirkiness that he thinks is acting. His mere presence makes me cringe. Also, Corey Feldman kind of epitomizes the odd habit of strangely intelligent preteens that was everywhere in the 1980’s for God knows what reason.

 

2) Friday the 13^th Part II (1981) dir. Steve Miner

 

            The first sequel. The best sequel. And the original Jason spree! Part II is perhaps more responsible for the endless lifespan of the series that the original film. Five years after Mrs. Voorhees went on her rampage, a new camp is opening on Crystal Lake! Jason puts on a burlap sack for a mask and goes about offing some counselors in training, and that’s pretty much it! This movie is simple and effective. No gimmicks, no stupid kid characters, no fluff. And that’s how we like it! Plus, it still has some good bloodshed (even if most of it is cut away from after just a moment) and some wicked humor. Finally, Amy Steel is utterly fantastic as the final girl, Ginny. This film may be the best slasher sequel ever made. Oh, and one last thing. Terry’s skinny-dipping scene is great. That is all.

 

            Prime Cuts: They may have stolen it from Mario Bava’s Bay of Blood (1971), but it doesn’t get much better than two horny counselors getting shish-kabobbed together in the sack! And I have to admit, I laugh every time Scott the pervert gets his throat slashed with the wrong side of the machete.

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: What the hell is that ending all about? Also, it is pretty fair when Tom Savini says bringing Jason back as the villain makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

1) Friday the 13^th (1980) dir. Sean S. Cunningham

 

            Here we are folks! Of course, the first film is number one! Did you think I was kidding? Not much to say here except that Friday the 13^th is the best slasher film ever made next to Halloween (1978). Tom Savini’s gore is top notch. Adrienne King is the first and finest final girl in the series. Harry Manfredini’s score is instantly timeless. Crazy Ralph is Crazy Ralph. And Betsy Palmer as Pamela Voorhees is a deranged treat no matter how many times you watch it. This is gonna be kept short and sweet: It’s an almost perfect movie. So there.

 

            Prime Cuts: Kevin Bacon gets his famous arrow through the throat. And Alice decapitates Mrs. Voorhees in perhaps the most famous death in slasher history!

 

            Dishonorable Mentions: We probably could have done without that Dolly Parton knock-off song. Instead, we get it at least three times.

 

 

Well, there you have it! All twelve long nights at Camp Blood! Now if you excuse me, my marathon awaits…

All Halloween Sequels Ranked - Worst to Best

 

Okay, so… it’s no secret whatsoever that John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978) is my absolute favorite film of all time. I watch it several times a year, it never gets old, you know the drill. Everybody has their number one pick for best movie ever, and this one is mine. And truth be told, I don’t think it’s hard to see why.

 

There’s a reason Halloween is still considered by many to be the scariest film ever made. It’s still effective after forty years, and each new generation that discovers it jumps when Michael Myers bursts out of the pantry to skewer PJ Soles’ boyfriend Bob! It also is simply damned good. All of the performances are far above and beyond what any production costing $300,000 should be. The camera work is arresting and ahead of its time, paving the way for other fright flicks such as The Evil Dead (1981). And of course, everyone and their mother knows that the picture ignited both the career of one Jamie Lee Curtis and the slasher phenomenon of the 1980s.

 

            So, there isn’t much new to say here about the original film. Halloween is the absolute best at what it does, and would no doubt top any list I were to create, except…

 

            What about the sequels? I think we can all agree that the Halloween franchise is pound-for-pound better, more often than not, when stacked up against its competitor series’ such as Friday the 13^th and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Granted, Michael has found himself in his fair share of duds, but nothing here quite reaches the murky, barrel-bottom depths of the likes of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991). And with Halloween Kills, David Gordon Green’s follow-up to his 2018 smash reboot, now pushed out to 2021, it feels like a good time to revisit all the Haddonfield we can get as the spookiest time of the year approaches!

 

So how do all the Halloween sequels/reboots/remakes stand up? Let’s find out! Oh, and one more thing: I LOVE all these movies, even the bad ones (well, maybe except the bottom three…) so this is all in good fun!

 UPDATE 10/28/2021: Halloween Kills (2021) added to this glorious list

 UPDATE 9/4/2023: Halloween Ends (2022) unceremoniously added to this list

 

 

13) Halloween: Resurrection (2002) directed by Rick Rosenthal

 

            Hey, it’s Halloween, I guess everyone’s entitled to… well, no scares at all, really. What’s worse than killing off Jamie Lee Curtis? Casting Busta Rhymes, of course! Rick Rosenthal returned to the franchise for the first time since he directed Halloween II (1981) just to helm this steaming turd. Not only does the script completely retcon the ending of 1998’s Halloween H20, it also writes out Laurie Strode and promptly gives Michael Myers absolutely nothing to do. Well, almost nothing. A group of internet reality tv show people are doing a special sleep over at the Myers house, so Michael gets to go kill them I guess. But one of the partiers is Katee Sackhoff! So if you like Battlestar Galactica then that’s something. She’s probably the only real good part of this movie.

 

12) Halloween II (2009) directed by Rob Zombie

 

            When I saw this film in the theater, I had a better opinion of it than I do now. There are quite a few good ideas here, but they aren’t well-executed. Rob Zombie had a pretty hit with his first… uh… stab at remaking Carpenter’s classic, even if that film is maligned in hindsight. Here, he doesn’t even manage to create any unease at all. Instead what we get is a parade of gruesome deaths that aren’t so much shocking as they are rote. And the trailer trash aesthetic that Zombie is known for doesn’t land either. Throw those elements together with some arthouse-style surreal imagery that could have been interesting but just comes off as tonally weird, and you get a misfire that is a veritable cornucopia of  “missed it by that much”. Still, in spite of being mostly boring, it can hold a sort of morbid fascination for viewers who enjoy pondering how things went so wrong.

 

11) Halloween (2007) directed by Rob Zombie

 

            Here we have what I like to call Rob Zombie’s John Carpenter’s Halloween. Zombie is well-known for his scuzzy horror hits House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and The Devil’s Rejects (2005) and the accolades are deserved. Yours Truly even admits to liking The Lords of Salem (2012). Unfortunately, this first attempt at completely rebooting the franchise – while initially successful at the box office – ultimately fails at… well, pretty much everything. The trailer trash look, the incessant swearing that feels almost impossibly forced… Most fans will agree that what made Michael Myers so frightening in the first place was the apparent lack of discernible motivation to his actions. In the original film (more on that in a minute) he seems to stalk Laurie Strode because she just so happened to deliver the key to his house while he was there. The fallacy of later sequels was in leaning into the mythology a bit too hard, thus stripping Michael of his fear-factor while also making everything way too convoluted. Rob Zombie must have liked that though, because with this movie he gives us the killer’s entire backstory. The entire first half of the film could be called Netflix’ Making a Murderer Redux. After that, we get a second half that is essentially a sped-up scene-for-scene remake of the original film. This holds true right down to the girls walking home from school and even Michael nailing poor Bob to the cupboards of the Wallace residence. Performances are decent, but Scout Taylor-Compton and Malcolm McDowell mostly make us wish for Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence again.

 

10) Halloween Ends (2022) directed by David Gordon Green

        David Gordon Green could have followed up his one-two punch of Halloween (2018) and Halloween Kills (2021) with a technical knockout. Instead, what we get is Michael Myers hiding in a storm drain like Pennywise and some college kid trying to take up the mantle because he's being bullied by... *checks notes*... band geeks? Cory Cunningham (gotta have the name alliteration) is an outcast in Haddonfield because a kid he was babysitting fell off the banister and died while trying to pull a stupid prank. Imagine killing yourself on accident while trying to punk your babysitter... what a loser. Anyway, Laurie Strode first feels sorry for the guy and tries to set him up with her granddaughter, but then tries to break them up because she sees the "same evil" or something in Cory's eyes. In the end, we do finally get the showdown with Michael that the entire trilogy was teasing us with, but it kind of comes out of nowhere. Ultimately, just like Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), this third installment would probably be better appreciated if it wasn't a Halloween movie.

9) Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers – Theatrical Cut (1995) directed by Joe Chappelle

 

            Finally, we have the first good (?) installment on this list. The Curse of Michael Myers has quite a bit stacked against it – primarily some impressive nonsense regarding Celtic runes and necromancy, as well as a 90s look that holds up just about as well as a termite-infested treehouse in a windstorm. Nevertheless, it manages to hold audience interest if only because of how weird it is. This cut that was released into theaters had its fair share of production woes as well. The entire ending was reshot, new gore scenes were done (why not?) and Daniel Farrands’ original script was effectively butchered at the behest of studio bigwigs. The Producer’s Cut (included later on this list) works a bit better, but until its resurrection in 2014, was almost an internet rumor and only viewable as a terrible bootleg culled from a VHS master. In any case, let’s round this up. The Good? Paul Rudd and Donald Pleasence. Their presence saves this one. The Bad? The ending has a lot of green liquid in syringes. What is this, Reanimator? The Ugly? That kid has some massive ears…

 

8) Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) directed by Dominique Othenin-Girard

 

            The fourth installment of the series brought it back from the dead just a year earlier, so naturally Moustapha Akkad wanted to jump on the renewed success. More than any other sequel, however, The Revenge of Michael Myers dates itself. The costumes, the music, the cheese… all of it is squarely late-80s in the extreme. That and the meandering script do tend to cripple the picture somewhat, but Donald Pleasence is as good as ever, and Danielle Harris reprises her role as Jamie Lloyd to great effect. It also has a bit more gore included than most previous iterations, but that’s not hard to do. Mostly, the film gets by less on what does right than what it doesn’t do wrong (a laughably bad Myers mask notwithstanding). The Mark of Thorn and the Man in Black – both explained away to a ridiculous degree in Curse – here provide a sense of mystery that at least keeps viewers interested. And, though its architecture is inexplicably and wildly different for some reason, the Myers house is a fun and suitably creepy location for the film’s climax. If viewed on the heels of part four, Revenge might seem disappointing, but on its own it works rather better than its reputation might suggest.

 

7) Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) directed by Steve Miner

 

            The worst is behind us! From here on out, everything has more good than bad. H20 is the first soft reboot of the series. It was intended to completely ignore everything that had happened since Halloween II (1981), but good ol’ Daniel Farrands of Curse fame found a way to bridge the continuity of his script with this one via the time-honored horror medium of comic books. So, I guess it fits? Jamie Lee Curtis returns to the role that launched her career, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets killed with an ice skate, so there’s something for everyone! Though the flick is definitely riding the coattails of Scream (1996), it manages to deliver on the gore and character fronts, giving it a definite step up from previous entries on this list. The setting is moved from Haddonfield to California, and that doesn’t work terribly well, but it remains visually grabbing, and the ending is one of the best in franchise history. Also of note: Steve Miner steps into the directors chair here, giving him the distinction of being the only person to direct installments of both Halloween and Friday the 13^th.

 

6) Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers – Producer’s Cut (1995) directed by Joe Chappelle

 

            Is this cheating? Well, it’s my list, so I make the rules. The Curse of Michael Myers: The Producer’s Cut was the stuff of horror film legend for nearly twenty years. Watching it now, it’s downright baffling that anything was changed. Sure, it’s not the best installment ever, and it still has its share of problems, but the fact remains that this cut of the film is far, far better than what fans got in theaters back in 1995. For one thing, Paul Rudd’s portrayal as the grown-up Tommy Doyle – struggling with PTSD and perhaps a bit on the autism spectrum – gets full justice here. His obsession with Michael in the theatrical version didn’t make much sense and was never truly resolved. In this cut, his expertise on the black magic that makes the Shape tick actually comes to fruition. Doctor Loomis’ screams at the end of the previous incarnation also have a reason now. It goes to show how much a little bit of continuity really does go a long way. The biggest downside to this episode of the franchise is that both cuts do away with Jamie Lloyd with little consideration for her character arc. Add to that the fact that Danielle Harris was snubbed for the role, despite going through a painful and expensive legal process to get emancipated so that she could play the part, and you still a number of missteps here. Still, it is fun, only boring sometimes, and at least it finally gets the mask right for the first time since Carpenter’s original.

 

5) Halloween II (1981) directed by Rick Rosenthal

 

            By the time producers got around to making a sequel to Halloween, the slasher boom was well underway. John Carpenter may have laid the blueprint for the genre, but Friday the 13^th cemented the tropes of more gore and higher body counts. This film does quite well, picking up at the exact moment the first film left off, and following Laurie Strode as Michael continues to stalk her at the hospital. Narrative tension is somewhat lacking, but the kills are creative and Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence both manage to do quite a bit with their comparative lack of screen time. The camera work is also very accomplished, aiming to keep to the feel of its predecessor with long takes in and out of homes as Myers stalks through suburban neighborhoods. Of course, the 80s cheese rears its head with some truly head-scratching effects, specifically that chuckle-inducing outline in the grass where Michael supposedly landed at the end of part one. The score is also synthed-up a bit, which does nothing for the timelessness of the picture. And no critique of this movie would be complete without a mention of how unnecessary it was to make Laurie Strode and Michael Myers siblings. And that “how” is very. Very unnecessary. Nevertheless, Halloween II has its share of iconic moments and is a worthy sequel, probably the first great film on this list.

 

4) Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

 

            Hey, what’s this doing here? Is it even actually a Halloween movie? Many fans roll their eyes at Season of the Witch but divorced from the narrative of Michael Myers versus The Strodes, it proves to be a fun and engaging little fright flick. John Carpenter wanted originally to anthologize the Halloween series, telling a new tale of terror every year. Those dreams were dashed when audiences raised hell about not having their favorite villain on the screen. In spite of nearly killing any hope for future installments, this picture does indeed deliver on tension, scares, and even a little bit of the gruesome bloodletting. It also features one of my favorite horror actors in Tom Atkins. He elevates everything he is in, almost like a working mans Vincent Price. It may be an outlier in the pantheon of the franchise, but it delivers on the horror, the suspense, and the thrills. It also has a jingle that’s too damn catchy for its own good. Hate me if you want, but Season of the Witch cracks the first spot in the top three - at least, before Halloween Kills...

 

3) Halloween Kills (2021) directed by David Gordon Green

            The newest installment as of 2021 is bloody brilliant, despite critical reactions being lukewarm. It picks up right where Halloween (2018) leaves off and never lets up for a second. While the direction isn't necessarily as inspired at it's predecessor, the film makes up for it in both body count and boldness of vision. The violence is positively wince-inducing, but purposefully aimed at highlighting the senselessness of trying to understand evil. While the previous film tackled personal trauma, this time out the focus is the effect of tragedy on the community. We see the terrible outcome of mob mentality, while Michael Myers continues his rampage largely unimpeded. John Carpenter returns to score the picture, Jamie Lee Curtis gets a reprisal of her hospitalization in Halloween II, and we get the returns of many familiar faces from the original film. Add to that a truly unique format for a slasher film, and Halloween Kills earns a spot in the top 5!

2) Halloween (2018) directed by David Gordon Green

 

            I don’t know a single person I’ve talked to that doesn’t love this movie. It marks the third time that the franchise has been rebooted (counting H20) and the first time such a reboot has been a true success. David Gordon Green’s approach ignores all previous sequels and opts to be a direct follow-up to Carpenter’s original, doing away with the silliness of Celtic cults and eye-rolling family ties. It may be a bit ambitious, but that’s all the criticism I really have for it. The gore is wince-inducing, the scares are actually scary for the first time in decades, and Jamie Lee Curtis in top form reprising a PTSD-afflicted Laurie who has waited forty years for her chance to get revenge. Everything here works, even the weird European psychologist who wants to study Michael “in the wild”. I truly cannot wait for Halloween Kills (2021).

 

1) Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) directed by Dwight H. Little

 

            Here we have it: the best Halloween sequel. The Return of Michael Myers isn’t perfect. In fact, the most recent Halloween (2018) just covered might be a better film. But the truth is this movie does everything fans of the franchise want and more. Donald Pleasence is back. Haddonfield feels familiar. The score pounds away. And most importantly: Danielle Harris. I will say here and now that she might be one of the best child actors of all time, and far, far underappreciated for her work as Laurie Strode’s orphaned daughter, Jamie. Many child characters in horror range from bad, just god-awfully annoying – I’m looking you Bob in House by the Cemetery (1981). We get some fantastic kills with great effects by KNB FX Group (that throat-ripping!), and most of all some of the most impressive set-pieces in the franchise. I enjoy this film so much, it is often the one I pick to double-feature with the first.

 

 

            So, there you have it folks! Your complete ranking of the Night HE Came Home! Get yourself set for a marathon, and… I’m gonna say it, I can’t help myself…

 

            You know, it’s Halloween, I guess everyone’s entitled to one good scare!